A NOTE TO NONSMOKERS

A NOTE TO NONSMOKERS

If you live with a smoker, or are close friends with one: don't be a NAG about their smoking habit! (You can make noise about their smoking in the house or near you, because their second hand smoke hurts you – but don't nag them to quit. There's a BIG difference!)

Just three times a year you can ask your loved one – briefly – VERY briefly – to please quit smoking -- in VERY loving and warm tones. (Try surrounding your request with HONEST complements, keep it BRIEF, and they might be more open to hearing you.

But if you speak up more than three times per YEAR, then you're a yukky, obnoxious NAG. Ick! And your beloved smoker will be so ANGRY with you that they'll keep smoking just to spite you. You'll be defeating your very purpose.

I ask nonsmokers to honor their smoking loved ones, and treat them like adults.

And if your loved ones are nagging you, don't fall into the old trap of hurting yourself by continuing to smoke out of your anger toward them. Instead, let them know how you feel.

The great motivational speaker and family therapist John Bradshaw has said,

"America is a nation of addicts. We're addicted not just to one thing, but often to several – like cigarettes, food, television, music, drugs, and sex, even work. Each of these things is a kind of drug -- because each temporarily gets your mind off of your pain."

Bradshaw is right. He's talking about both current pain, such as anger, loneliness, or sadness --- and emotional pain we've carried with us since childhood, such as unmet childhood needs, like an absent father or abusive mother.

Sometimes, life is painful. It's supposed to be that way. All of us are faced with grief, loss and struggle. And it's by our struggles that we define and strengthen our character.

In my live talks and video for youth, I revive the ancient practice of initiation. As I initiate them into life, I let teens know that sometimes life will be painful.

"And when those moments come, you need to take the ADULT path," I tell the students, "and stay with the difficulty -- and not go lighting a cigarette, raiding the icebox, taking drugs, blasting music or switching on the TV -- or, going to work for too many long hours. All these are just ways of avoiding painful feelings and numbing them out."

If you stay with your pain, you'll begin to see what's causing it. And when you're ready, you can take a step to solve the problem.

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